As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
just make the entire table out of coaster
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual