STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?