i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?