Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows