someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Lucky old June.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…