My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.