oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Cannot stop laughing at this
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.