Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
and now we wait
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.