teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
this chia pet tastes awful
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I feel seen
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u