It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Check your privilege
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
absolute chaos
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.