[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…