Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
when u come home smelling like another dog
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.