“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.