Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
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Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family