Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.