dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up