“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.