Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
this has done me in for some reason
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*