I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’