“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You Might Also Like
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
#Caturday
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Just a reminder, folks:
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
😂😂😂
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.