me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*