Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
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Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.