Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
But wait…
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Friends that check up on you >