For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Perfect
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.