A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Carpe DM
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?