I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Yup.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.