I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.