Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer