That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.