does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad