Carpe DM
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They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Think I pulled my liver
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.