Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
m’lady
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.