You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes