Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
A family that plays together cheats.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?