If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead