My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Can’t, holding a grudge
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE