CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
dogs can find happiness so easily
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Duolingo getting serious.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR