i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*