adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”