I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
You Might Also Like
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’m giving up for Lent.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS