I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Cause of death: Zumba
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?