*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
You Might Also Like
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*