Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.