What’s this sorcery? 😂
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”