Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.