ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family