Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns