Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol