“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
absolute chaos
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.