I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
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Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!